The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I forgot wine drunk hurts
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
