Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
