I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
