Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
