He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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