Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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