Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
