speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
now i know why i became what i already was.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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