I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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