Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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