two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
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Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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