Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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