The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
