just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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