I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
