he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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