If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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