Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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