An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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