im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
