I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
