My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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