I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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