I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
