her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
