If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
