You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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