I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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