I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just googled if crying burns calories
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
why is half of my head shaved?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
