Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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