How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
