i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
