I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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