I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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