So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My life is pants optional.
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