I puked a lego.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
