Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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