My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This is my gift to your gina
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
