the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
