It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
