And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
