This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We had to coat check the pizza.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
