we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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