ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
