i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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