i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
