i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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