You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
