I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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