New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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