Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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