Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The uberlube is also flammable
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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