and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
