I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
