woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
