Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
